Mother's Day

This is a blog about marriage, faith and family. It's mostly for me and my siblings. We never really had a great example of how to handle conflict well in our family and I wanted to put my marriage on display in its rawest form so they could see what it means to be married as followers of Jesus. 
My originally idea was to put our conflicts here and let them see how we handle it and comment or question what we could have done better. But, I think it's also good to put down what we do right too. Marriage is for better and for worse but all my friends only show the better and those who show the worse do it in the most destructive manner.
Unfortunately, my first post is a "growth opportunity." I shall address conflicts as such for they really should be opportunities to learn and improve and not just dig the graves of intimacy and marriage.
Today was my fourth Mother's Day. 
My first Mother's Day Daniel bought me 100 roses. I thought it was extravagant and a bit wasteful but I was thrilled that he put so much thought into it and was very grateful for the effort and love he showed and I felt loved. Even my neighbor saw it and was so jealous of my super romantic husband.
My second Mother's Day, Daniel took me out to dinner. It was fun and it was special but I don't remember much else. Another year feeling loved and appreciated.
My third Mother's Day was a forgotten event with nothing except a long call to his own mother and an absentminded, "happy Mother's Day" in the evening. That stung but I brushed it off.
This is my forth Mother's Day. On my first, I hardly knew what it meant to be a mother but I felt giddy in the unmerited appreciation of my husband. Now, I have two children and my life is full. 
Full of happiness, full of family, full of love and full of everything but time. My full time job is raising and caring for these two bundles of boyhood and I just needed some encouragement from the person who's approval I sought the most-Daniel.
I missed his romantic gestures and I felt like we were just doing life together. Yes, we were doing it happily and yes, he was working hard to show his love through helping me with the boys and not complaining about  my shortcomings and by being a good dad to the boys and giving me time on the weekends alone to breath... But something was missing. I thought, perhaps, it was romance in the form of appreciation/admiration. Perhaps it is... But more on that later.

On Saturday night Daniel told me the "special plan" for Sunday. He was going to make lunch for me while I had the morning off (as I did every Sunday morning). I was already sad about the previous year's Mother's Day and wanted this one to be special. When he saw my doubtful face, he suggested that an alternative could be that we go to green and safe for lunch (which is actually just what I wanted but felt it would be took crowded today due to the holiday). feeling like making lunch was not very well thought out and not wanting to face crowds, I suggested that we postpone our celebration one week. This way, Daniel could have more time to think of something special to do for Mother's Day. However, the whole day went by with Daniel in a fog over not sleeping well and jet lag and Hudson being unhappy with the sudden time change and not a word was said to me in appreciation of motherhood and I read all the wonderful things everyone was doing and saying about their moms and wives and I just felt sad. I understood we were postponing Mother's Day but to not even say something special about me on face book or in person is like celebrating my birthday on another day besides the day of my birth and totally ignoring me on my birthday.

Anyway, after a light dinner of bread (none of us were hungry) I was in the kitchen packing Daniels lunchbox and told him that I was sad.
"Why?" He said in alarm.
"I just feel...." And then proceeded to tell him all my feelings and thoughts I have already shared in this post. And to share the tedious details of how it all played out is tiresome but we just talked and we weren't attacking and we weren't mean but we finished the conversation after all had been said and both knew that i wasn't happy even though I said we were alright. Then, Daniel went to bed.

Yes, there is a lack of romance and a general feeling of not being admired when I see husbands praising their wives all over Facebook. But, the bigger problem is me. Daniel really is the best husband I could hope for and the issue is that I depend too much on him for my happiness. Truly, I must depend on Jesus for my happiness and fulfillment. I know this. But can I tell you a secret? I have no idea what this means.

I know that Jesus is Lord and I believe the Bible 100% and I know that in order to show that we love God we follow his commandments and I know to be grateful in everything and do this and be that and don't do this or that. And I understand that I don't have the strength and power to do this on my own but ask God to give me the power and wisdom in faith. I pray though I don't understand prayer because it often doesn't seem to make a difference and yet we are commanded to pray, so I pray.
I know what it means to follow God in trial because in my praying I have hope in God and His timing and His reasons although it can be hard.

I know what it means to follow Him when I must seek direction for a big decision because He gives wisdom when we seek Him in His Word.
I know what it means to follow Him when I am in material need because I trust He will provide and it excites me to see how.
But, I don't know how to follow him in my abundance, when I am not materially lacking, when I am healthy, when I lack nothing and when there is little to hope for. My hopes are in my children and, though I raise them to pray and be grateful and love one another and follow God... These are only the foundations of a new faith. And then what?
What does it mean to find fulfillment in a god I cannot see or touch or feel? What does it mean to feel His approval? What does it mean to have confidence through what He is to me? What does it mean to abide in Him? What does it mean?
I don't know. I still love God and desire Him. But, all this talk about personal relationship is just rhetoric to me. Somebody show me how.