May 13, 2013, 5:30 am
Last night, I was wrapping up my writing around 11 o'clock when Daniel came out and asked if we could cuddle in 5 minutes. I told him I needed to finish journaling and then would. So, battling jet lag, he made himself a cup of camomile tea and sat drinking it in the dim light of the dining room as he patiently waited. Typing in the last period, I looked up from my iPad and asked if he wanted to read my first entree to my siblings (I had gotten his approval for posting such intimate details of our lives for their edification).
"Sure!" was his eager response.
I rested on the couch, he on the floor, and watched his unchanging facial expression as he read. I remember as a tween journaling about my heart, always better on paper than in person, and giving it to Mom to see and know me more. I stopped after too many times of giggles, as if my adolescent angst was a comedy to her.
And now, nearly 20 years later, I sat with the same anticipation of how my innermost thoughts would be interpreted. Upon finishing, Daniel asked if he could hug me and apologized once more about his oversight. Sigh. It's so hard to share everything with him. Both Daniel and I acknowledge and desire clear and open communication and hope that the other not bury small pains or angers but rather, talk about them so that we can grow in love and relationship without any barriers.
But, to say, "Daniel, being a mother is hard and I don't get any approval in this area by anyone but you because mothers are competitive and not usually supportive towards each other and I just need some encouragement through appreciation and a special Mother's Day." This is hard to say. I feel it's selfish to demand appreciation and don't want him to think I want to be queen for a day. I just want some encouragement.
I expressed this to him and he replied that it needed to be said because it will come out in some way eventually. And he was right.
As for the lack of spiritual emotions, we also had a good chat. I am full of knowledge and faith in God but my emotions are stale. All the prayers I pray are things that I cannot see the direct answers to immediately: the spiritual strength, leadership and purity of my sons, the salvation of my mom and siblings, the restoration of relationship with my dad, the turn around of America and our civil and religious liberties. These are big requests. They aren't, "help me get money to go to college" or "help me find a husband" or "should I do this?"
So, unlike my younger prayers, I can't put a check by these requests as something I see God answering. Though I sense these prayers are in accordance with his will, He has chosen to wait in His moving. I shouldn't be surprised in Hi waiting. He waited 400 years to release the Jews from captivity. He waited 100 years to fulfill His promise of global flooding after telling Noah to act as a "crazy man" and build a giant boat with the constant ridicule of his neighbors.
He waited and waited and waited throughout the Bible.
So, the waiting doesn't surprise me. But in the waiting my emotional connection to Him shrivels. But perhaps, more than the waiting is my busyness in the waiting.
It's not intentional. In fact, I constantly monitor my busyness as it it a killer of relationships with both God and man (especially in marriage).
But, two clingy, needy boys and my home business are constantly bordering me on dangerously busy without even trying. And my quiet times with God are replaced with listening to Bible programs and listening to the Bible while I do my daily tasks and listening to praise music and praying as I live.
All these things are good but if I fail to make time to be quiet before God, to read the Bible without the noise of life and the thoughts of the day screaming in my head, then I can't hear Him above the noise of life. Honestly, I just valued my sleep too much.
But, now I am up and I've spent an hour reading and journaling and quieting myself before him. Though its no emotional high, I feel peace and faith that He will answer my seeking of Him and make Himself known to me. What's a little more waiting?
Today's encouragement.
2 John 1:5-6, 9 3 John 1:11
And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.
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