"Through a child's eyes"

This past six weeks that have flown by with no word on my blog have been pleasant and happy. I haven't written because Daniel and I haven't had conflicts now that we are working in tandem as a team in the mornings. We started waking before the children and it has been such a blessing to let some of the sleepiness dissipate before the demands of the children begin. I feel as if we are walking right with God and each other and my mind cleared from the fog of "me! Me! Me!"

As a pleasant side effect, Daniel is happy for whenever God chooses to bless us again although we aren't actively trying (rather, we are half heartedly attempting to delay our third blessing.)

Though children are hard work, they teach me something truly wonderful. God has such a special design for life in that we enter the world full of wonder and trust. Then, we learn more and more about life and people and evil and become burdened with all this world so that we lose some of that wonder and most of that trust (wouldn't want to hurt ourselves would we?). Just when the darkness of this world threatens to overcome the light, we have children and through them God reminds us and reteaches us every single day what a wonderful way he made the world.

Children don't know the evil. They only know the good. They are greeted with kindness and sweets and adoration. Houston and Hudson are confused when other children are mean to them as if this isn't how it should be.
And they are right. This isn't how it should be. God made all of His creation perfect and right and beautiful. It's just us fallen people who messed everything up. But, for a few short years we can shield them and let them see the world how He intended it. And through them I can be awestruck by the simple once again.
The texture of paint as they smear it all over the paper and themselves (Hudson).
The huge inflatable swimming pool that becomes the neighborhood attraction twice a week.
The joys of cooking with mommy.
The illustrations in children's books.
I love to see life though their eyes.

"handling responsibilities"

Wednesday, May 29

My life is full. I realize that my life is filled to the brim.
However, my way of dealing with stress is by dropping my responsibilities and just letting them be undone. Exercise? Well, I ride my bike everywhere.
Deep cleaning? Gets dirty much too fast for that.
Bible reading? I'm getting there.
Morning duties? I'll let Daniel handle that since I am on all day.
However, This isn't really fair to Daniel because he is on all day too. I fact, I am much better at handling mornings if I just went to bed earlier. There's really no reason why I should be up past 9:30. I would like to tell myself that my sanity is kept by getting lost in Pinterest and emails so that I can spend some alone time after everyone is sleeping. you know that delicious piece of solitude uninterrupted by the curious inquiries of my dear three year old? This is solitude that is so evasive during the daylight hours.
Yet, my life isn't any richer for doing these wasteful things. I used to say to myself that it didn't matter when I went to bed as it was only affecting me. But, I was wrong.
Last night Daniel had one of his grumpy, sleepy induced sweeping statements of how he dreaded having more kids at this moment and that he wanted to wait till there was some equilibrium in his life before adding to his plate. He felt that he was always in a rush with no rest, he wasn't sleeping well and he couldn't imagine having more kids any time soon.
I, personally, prefer getting pregnant sometime in the next 9 months so that the kids can play with each other without there being too much of a gap and that it will be easier to plan group activities for the kids.
Also, I thought he had unrealistic expectations of life with kids.
So, we went back and forth discussing this issue and trying to come to a common understanding but we just decided that he was too tired and needed to rest so it was best not to talk about this now.
Then, as I was waiting for sleep to come over me at ten o'clock, I realized that he didn't know what was wrong or how to express it but all he really needed was help. He is sweet and wants me to rest but he does it to his own detriment. I really need to step up and get my proper rest so that I can be up early early early and help my sweet guy.
Six am is just early enough to get things started for breakfast and personal care before the kids wake up. Five am would be ideal for personal time with God, a bit of exercise and the rest. Sigh.
I'll get some light proof curtains for the kids room so they don't wake when the sun rises by 5 and let's see how this goes.

"No one loves me like you" & a growth opportunity

Tues, May 28, 2013

Today, despite yesterday's music induced sadness, I decided to turn on my college music station (the Rich Mullins pandora Internet radio station).
I did have many fond memories of college, after all. This time as I sang along with the music, wind didn't swish my hair about (like is did in my car) and whisper "Possibilities" as it passed. But rather, my dear little Houston and I were cutting and taping this super learning craft that I found online.
http://www.mrprintables.com/printable-file-folder-games-clock.html
http://www.mrprintables.com/abc-cafe-file-folder-game.html

I loved watching his little face concentrating hard to stay within the lines to follow my instructions. He did such a good job too! It was such a special time together.

There was a song that came on by Jars of Clay (who I was introduced to by a college crush) called "No one loves me like you." As I sang those words, I recall singing them nine years ago to my God. However, I realized that I didn't really mean what I said.
Though I sang, "no one loves me like you" I actually meant,
 "No one loves me like you love me... yet. But, this way that I am imagining that you fill and fulfill me is a wonderful and hopeful stand-in until I find my husband who will love me in person how you love me in my thoughts."
I didn't really believe that God's love would surpass any human love. I just thought it would be a good filler when I was alone. Because, how can we feel God's love (I thought)?
Yet, now I know for certain that God's love does surpass human love. I have found myself a good, stable, kind, thoughtful, God seeking husband who loves me and loves the kids and tries his best to make us all happy and healthy at his own expense. But, human love (the married kind, not the passionate, lustful, forbidden kind of our youth) is comfortable and safe and sweet. But it doesn't fill us deep within with this fullness that leaves no discontent. I think that only the love of God is so powerful.
All other love is only a facet of God's love and not as all encompassing as His and so leaves us with a slight feeling of incompleteness.
So, how do we feel this love? We take time to know Him more in his Word, through thanksgiving, through praise, through seeing His hand in all good and trusting Him despite the evils around us. And slowly, through this darkened glass of mortality that obscures the fullness of how we shall know Him, we can know and feel His love more and more.

This is a good place to close. I will write later about how I scolded Daniel for "venting" when it was really just him seeing life and its circumstances through a very negative  lens because he was overly tired from training and poor sleep. I will mention about how he likes to make sweeping statements about our future (such as indefinitely postponing having a third child) when he is tired and grumpy and how I forbade him to vent about life when he was in such a mood because it made me feel bad and it wasn't constructive.
I will also write about how my late night personal time on the Internet and doing my own things after the family has slept has actually been a big part in making me unable to wake early and thus putting an extra burden on Daniel to take care of the kids because he feels bad for me and doesn't want to wake me. All these things I will expand on more tomorrow when I get a chance. Now it is time for bed.

Is this all there is?

Monday, May 27
Tonight I was listening to the Rich Mullins radio station on pandora Internet radio and I felt a little sadness come over me as I listened to all these songs from my college days. I remember those days, driving around Flint, Michigan in my rusty red borrowed car with the windows rolled down as I sang along with these songs.
I was liked but never popular (the story of my life, it seems) but I had my good friends, the ones I thought would stay friends forever. And though Xanga blogging was becoming popular and Facebook would soon follow, it did little to ensure actual connection between us. Rather, it made us lazy to actually make an effort to keep in touch as we all figured that our friends would follow us online. And then, they were gone. Off to their ends of the country and the world and on with their lives with Verity college being but a memory, a blip on their life screen.
But those 1 1/2 years were such a huge part of my life. It was the first time I lived away from home. It was the first time I could start making decisions for myself without being micromanaged by my parents. It was a time when I felt I was finally old enough to seriously consider guys.
The future was wide open before me and it seemed that there was a glorious sunrise with the clouds forming the words "Possibilities!" before me naive eyes. It seemed like me and my starry eyed friends were all in the same emotional roller coaster of a boat. It was great and wonderful and worrisome all at the same time. But, the overwhelming push behind it all was hope.
And now I fast forward nine years and find myself married to an amazing husband and father of our two precious children who love each other and barely quarrel. I live in an exciting city of Shanghai, China. I have daily domestic help. I have a home business of one year that is making a little money (though not much). I am teaching a three year old who loves to learn and everything is great in my immediate surroundings. I have no debt except our mortgage on our nice, new apartment being built in Singapore. We are financially stable where we are able to have a giving budget and not worry about money (although I seldom buy things for myself but rather spend all my spending money on the kids and their education) I have all that I could want.
And yet, when I hear those familiar songs that bring me back to the time of newness and discovery and hope for the future, I feel a little sad and have to eventually turn of the music because I find myself without hope.
And I ask myself, "is this all?"
When I was wistful and lonely and worried about where life would take me as I sang those songs driving down the highway, the songs gave me comfort and assurance of my God who would provide. And now, I have seen His hand provide more than I could imagine and definitely more than I deserve and instead of rejoicing I am feeling a bit trapped.
I miss those fresh feelings of hope. It seems all my hopes are tied up in my children and our vacations (though they are short in comparison with the rest of our year). I feel as Solomon did when he proclaimed that all was vanity under the sun. And though it disturbs me, it also gives me a small glimmer of hope.
It gives me hope that I can know God more deeply. I desire to know Him not only as one who will provide for my material needs, but rather, as my Father. I want to discover what that intimacy means and have it be real in my life. Since my own father has abandoned me, I feel a blessing in that loss. For, in that loss I seek the only one who can fill that hole, my Heavenly Father.
And this is where I can find my hope. Though it differs greatly from that of only a few years ago (and that kind of hope I will likely not see again) I feel it will lead to something deeper and longer lasting. And to this hope I will cling.

When did hopeless become the new "normal"?

May 20
One thing about being out of my comfort zone and out of my Christian community bubble that I grew up in (where those who didn't claim Christianity were to be interacted with only for the express purpose of winning them over), is that I am being exposed more and more to how utterly hopeless and depressing so many people's outlook is. It continues to surprise me. I somehow thought that I was normal in how I saw life and the purpose of motherhood, friendships, marriage and life in general. A majority of my friends (especially those I somewhat keep up with though Facebook) think as I do so I have been disappointed and surprised by those who are sour, overly worried and generally negative about life.
For example, I took part in a clothes exchange the other day where one mother boldly stated (as if she would get a resounding amen in response) that she would undo mothering if she had the chance. She saw her two kids (both under 4 years) a few hours in the morning and a few hours in the evening and that was enough! I felt like she hated being a mother. I didn't know what to say except that I might get better as the children got older.
I love being a mother (so much!). My kids are so sweet and a joy and they usually get along. Sure Hudson is clingy and cries about something every single day. Bt that's part of being 1 1/2 and learning to communicate and share and discovering what it means to be an individual person that's not part of mommy.
I don't do things perfectly, I'm not as creative as I desire to be, sometimes I feel as if my home business takes too much time, I don't have quiet time with God every day nor do I have intentional exercise daily. But, that's ok. I know my weaknesses and accept them and work to improve. It's all part of life.
I know my purpose as a mother is to raise children who will be strong leaders to follow God, stand in their faith through adversity and lead families and peers in humility and purity. Educationally, I desire them to love learning and discovery and continue to be attentive to their natural talents and desires so that I can help them bloom in their gifting.

As a wife, I desire to be kind, respectful and humble in my words and attitudes. I aim to put Daniel before the children in relationship and encourage him in words and actions so that we can be a strong and effective team to raise the children and serve others.

As an individual, my goal is to continue to seek and know God through the Bible, be healthy in body and spirit and challenge myself through my home business and community involvement.
These are my goals. I pray that God leads me to accomplish what I set out to do.

Why did God put this (artificial) waterfall here?

May 15
Today was fun. Then again, so was yesterday. And something occurred to me yesterday  when we went to a new park and Houston began his routine of "why...?"
"Why did God put no fish in the pond?"
"Why did God put this (artificial) waterfall here?"
"Why is that car green?"
I realized that he knows that God is in charge. It was heartening to know that he attributed about 70% of the source for our answers to God.

Wednesday we rode the electric scooter to visit my good friend Christine. In a city so big with so few churches, we need travel to see our friends. So, load the kids onto "flash" and 45 minutes later we zoomed our way through many city lights and arrived in one piece. In all honesty it's not much faster on flash than a regular bike but I can handle Hudson better because I can sit still rather than peddle. Of course, my sweet Houston ignored my specific instructions (that he was capable of following) to be careful and not drop the bag on the floor that contained my breakfast, a liter of green smoothie. I really had to contain my hunger driven anger as my breakfast leaked all over my bag and everything inside. Once inside, we cuddled together a while to assure him that everything was ok between us.
Visiting with Christine is always such a breath of fresh air for me. I love her family and I appreciate how honest she is with her own shortcomings. It's heartening to listen to how she seeks God, works on her own sin and relationship with her husband/neighbors/kids in an uplifting way. Although I love the diversity of the international community and doing life with so many people different than me has broadened my perspective, sometimes I miss the comfort of likeminded people who can encourage me in The Lord. So, 45 minutes is totally worth the drive!

On Thursday after leaving my boys with a (very expensive) sitter for the first time ever (for so long- 8 hours), I spontaneously decided to buy a bird. Every time a bird alights on our balcony the kids go crazy with excitement, running to the window to get a closer view. I had talked with Daniel about a hamster, to which he agreed, so I thought a bird should be fine (in double checked with him just in case as he hadn't appreciated me getting a baby duck early in our marriage without telling him).
Trekked to the bird & flower market on my bicycle with the boys and picked out my own childhood bird, a cockatiel, with its cage and food for $45. Of course, once we had a squawking bird in our house, Hudson is afraid of it. Silly boy!

Today (Friday) after two missed days of quiet time, I woke to the sound of a harp on my iPad alarm and the title, "seek God" flashing at me. I sat up in bed and managed to just read one chapter this morning since it was so confusing. I'll post my notes below at the end of my post.

Though raining outside, we ventured out on the subway three stops to Valerie's house. Her two youngest (same ages as mine) were home and they played for an hour while we chatted. It was a nice visit, but getting home was messy.
Hudson wailed and squirmed the whole way to, on and out of the subway while everyone looked at me as if I were a bad mother who just left her child in the stroller to scream. One grannie even motioned to me that I should rock him and another that he was going to hurt himself if I didn't get him out. I just had too many bags and we were only going one stop to get groceries and lunch at Green and Safe. It was too complicated to get him out at that moment.
Finally, we managed to exit the subway out to the light drizzling rain outside. I picked up Hudson with one arm and barely prevented the tears which threatened to burst from Houston like a damn ready to break as he sniffed with a quivering lip,
"Maybe my legs are tired"
Into the stroller my three year old scrambled as I held a now content Hudson in one arm and pushed his older brother with the other as rain sprinkled on us for four blocks to the grocery store/restaurant.
Fast forward through lunch and shopping to where I simply have too many things to take the subway back in the rain and I had already been waiting 15 minutes in the rain for a taxi. I truly was ready to just walk the 45 minutes home in the rain when suddenly, I spotted a free taxi! After settling in, I told Houston,
"Houston, lets say thank you to God for sending us a taxi!"
He gazed up at me with inquisitive eyes and replied, "mommy, did God call us a taxi?"
His reasoning really amuses me at times.

By the time we got home and settled he was back to his normal happy self. We made chocolate chick pea flour muffins together and ate them for dinner and then we made a really neat sofa play-fort with the cushions. While I tidied up, I could hear Houston singing loudly as he jumped on the sofa, "Shine,  Jesus, Shine! Fill this land with the fathers glory!"

On a sadder note, my sisters aren't doing well and I'm sad. I think the saddest part is that, no matter how much I love them and try to communicate to them that I love and accept them no matter what choices they make, I feel they hide from me because they don't want me to be sad with their choices. But, firstly, it always gets back to me somehow. And secondly, why do they keep ignoring God when he is always the answer? Sigh. I don't even think that they read this blog that I started primarily for them. I was going to say that today was a happy day (and it really was!) but it ended on a sad note.

1 John 3:1-3, 6, 9-10, 14, 16-24
"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."

So this is why people look oddly at me when I talk about my relationship with God. Although I always preface when I talk about God with something that hopefully makes me sound understanding and accepting of people with other beliefs (or lack of) I don't really hide my Christianity. As a result, sometimes people look at me like I'm from another planet (though they try to hide it) when I talk about spiritual matters.

"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

Ah, how encouraging that we will be perfected in Christ's presence. I feel that perhaps, since we "see through a glass darkly" now, the glaring clarity of the world sometimes obstructs our vision for God. But, when we see Him face to face, the world will vanish away in his light and we will be like him!

"All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister. "
But, how does this square with grace? It almost seems as if our works are what prove our faith and without them, we aren't truly children of God. I need to do more research on this.

"We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."
I take this to mean that, as Christ followers, we try our very best to show love to other people in every way that we can. We will fail but We shouldn't purposefully turn from God's commands. I think when we no l longer desire and try to please God, perhaps this is what it means that we don't have his spirit in us. If we desire and try and sometimes fail but then seek His guidance & forgiveness and try again then I believe we are truly children of God. Its not due to our works that we are saved but it is by them that others can see that Gods spirit lives within us.

Morning devotion

May 14, 8am
Last night was killer. Jet lag reared its ugly head and I couldn't till sleep till 3:30. Luckily, he also affected my two cuties this morning and I was able to wake up at 7:45 and have my quiet time with God. This morning was shorter and yet equally sweet.

I read 1 John and nearly copied the whole thing through my Bible Gateway clipboard.
I'm hesitantly glad that I finally decided to embrace technology which I drag my feet against usually. I LOVE journaling with pen and ink. My trusty Bible with its sweet smelling pages longs to be held in my hands. But, time is precious with children and I must run to the Word in whatever form I can so that I can get the most out of it when time pulls me into the digital world. 

My reading this morning is sweet in that God lets me know that following Christ is not complicated. Love others, obey God = receiving light for the way. He acknowledges that though we try (and we should try with all our hearts) we will still fail. But, Jesus is faithful and will be our advocate and pull us back up if we humble ourselves before Him. It just surprises me how many people forget that this is the definition of loving God. I pray that you don't let me forget, Lord!

I'm grateful for Daniel this morning when I remember how sweetly intentional he was in encouraging me before he went to work yesterday. He was quite adorable, actually.
This morning, Hudson was funny as I tried to distract him from playing with the DVDs by showing him all the cute bears on the new shirt I was about to put on him. He then spent the next 10 minutes walking around with his head down, holding his shirt out as he "talked" about and looked at it, even making a point to show it to our helper. So unlike Houston, who never noticed what was on his body for more than one minute.
Also, when Hudson was fighting jet lag last night (or should I say embracing his new personal time zone?) he sweetly lay on my chest with his little hand patting my face for the longest time as I lay with him in his tent to calm him. It was if he was trying to be his cutest in order that I wouldn't desire to be separated from his cuteness. 

1 John 1:5-10 1 John 2:1-6, 9-12, 15-17, 24-25, 28-29 
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them. I am writing to you, dear children,because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. As for you, see that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father. And this is what he promised us—eternal life. And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming. If you know that he is righteous, you know that everyone who does what is right has been born of him.