Is this all there is?

Monday, May 27
Tonight I was listening to the Rich Mullins radio station on pandora Internet radio and I felt a little sadness come over me as I listened to all these songs from my college days. I remember those days, driving around Flint, Michigan in my rusty red borrowed car with the windows rolled down as I sang along with these songs.
I was liked but never popular (the story of my life, it seems) but I had my good friends, the ones I thought would stay friends forever. And though Xanga blogging was becoming popular and Facebook would soon follow, it did little to ensure actual connection between us. Rather, it made us lazy to actually make an effort to keep in touch as we all figured that our friends would follow us online. And then, they were gone. Off to their ends of the country and the world and on with their lives with Verity college being but a memory, a blip on their life screen.
But those 1 1/2 years were such a huge part of my life. It was the first time I lived away from home. It was the first time I could start making decisions for myself without being micromanaged by my parents. It was a time when I felt I was finally old enough to seriously consider guys.
The future was wide open before me and it seemed that there was a glorious sunrise with the clouds forming the words "Possibilities!" before me naive eyes. It seemed like me and my starry eyed friends were all in the same emotional roller coaster of a boat. It was great and wonderful and worrisome all at the same time. But, the overwhelming push behind it all was hope.
And now I fast forward nine years and find myself married to an amazing husband and father of our two precious children who love each other and barely quarrel. I live in an exciting city of Shanghai, China. I have daily domestic help. I have a home business of one year that is making a little money (though not much). I am teaching a three year old who loves to learn and everything is great in my immediate surroundings. I have no debt except our mortgage on our nice, new apartment being built in Singapore. We are financially stable where we are able to have a giving budget and not worry about money (although I seldom buy things for myself but rather spend all my spending money on the kids and their education) I have all that I could want.
And yet, when I hear those familiar songs that bring me back to the time of newness and discovery and hope for the future, I feel a little sad and have to eventually turn of the music because I find myself without hope.
And I ask myself, "is this all?"
When I was wistful and lonely and worried about where life would take me as I sang those songs driving down the highway, the songs gave me comfort and assurance of my God who would provide. And now, I have seen His hand provide more than I could imagine and definitely more than I deserve and instead of rejoicing I am feeling a bit trapped.
I miss those fresh feelings of hope. It seems all my hopes are tied up in my children and our vacations (though they are short in comparison with the rest of our year). I feel as Solomon did when he proclaimed that all was vanity under the sun. And though it disturbs me, it also gives me a small glimmer of hope.
It gives me hope that I can know God more deeply. I desire to know Him not only as one who will provide for my material needs, but rather, as my Father. I want to discover what that intimacy means and have it be real in my life. Since my own father has abandoned me, I feel a blessing in that loss. For, in that loss I seek the only one who can fill that hole, my Heavenly Father.
And this is where I can find my hope. Though it differs greatly from that of only a few years ago (and that kind of hope I will likely not see again) I feel it will lead to something deeper and longer lasting. And to this hope I will cling.